Tag Archives: Personal Growth

October 25, 2011 · 7:49 PM

Wait! I’m Not Fat?!

Three months ago I wrote a blog called “I Will Learn To Love My Body“.

*If you didn’t read it before, go check it out now, I’ll wait right here for you. No. Seriously, go check it out. What are you waiting for?

Well, while I wouldn’t say I am head over heels in love with it now, I certainly see the progress I’ve made and no longer see a “fat girl” in the mirror.

Unfortunately, I still have hang-ups. I have days where all I focus on is what still needs to be improved, but I’m human and we all have self loathing days, right? Plus I have the whole being a woman thing working against me here. Sigh…

Overall, the important thing to me is that I understand how far I have come, how hard I have worked and how important it is to remain healthy.

I don’t know why it took so long for me to come to terms with this. I don’t know exactly what changed and allowed me to accept that I have lost over 100lbs. I practically lost a person, yet I mentally carried all of that extra weight around with me on a daily basis!  What I do know, is that I am happy to finally be in this place and I hope I can continue to push forward and learn to fully love myself.

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P.S. – I had a slight set back (aka – I went into slacker mode) with Insanity but I’m scheduled to finish up next week and hope to blog about that soon.

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October 3, 2011 · 9:16 AM

INSANITY: Max Interval Circuit

Month 2 started yesterday and as I expected, I struggled through my workout.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, month two of Insanity is all mental.

For those of you who have done the program before, you know what I am talking about.

Month one  is basically a warm-up. It physically prepares you for what month two is getting ready to dish out. The workouts in month 1 are all under 40 mins and end right around the point you start to psych yourself out and say “I can’t do this”. They build up your confidence and show you just how amazing your body is and what it is capable of doing.

Enter month two…

Max month (to me) is a smack in the face. You pop that disc in, ready to make this workout your bitch and you are greeted by a countdown bar at the bottom of your screen that says you have 59 mins remaining. “59 minutes?! Are you kidding me?!” At that moment, doubt begins to creep into my mind and the game begins. The warm-up feels never ending, the stretch a welcome relief and then…the first interval. (cue dread filled music)

Round one of Interval 1, I kept telling myself  “You got this”. I pushed myself through, but my eye….it kept wandering to that damn countdown bar and it didn’t like what it saw. My mind began to tell me I couldn’t complete this. With that, the mind vs. body struggle began.

Round two of Interval 1, my mind was winning. I kept looking at the clock and before I knew it, I was kneeling on the floor after in & outs, crying. “WTF?! I’ve done this before! I’ve completed this! Get up, bitch!”  is all I kept telling myself.

Round three and beyond, my body took over. I made a decision to NOT  look at that clock again. I REFUSED to allow my eyes to wander over to the lower left hand corner of my screen. I pushed, I screamed, I cursed, but I finished and I felt accomplished.

Fast forward to this morning and I feel like I was hit by a damn bus, but I conquered a demon yesterday morning in my living room and it feels good.

Today, I have Max Interval Plyo. I’m a little nervous about the inner battle that will take place again today, but I’m going to put my money on my body! I didn’t come all this way to give up now…plus I am stubborn and don’t like to lose!

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September 12, 2011 · 8:43 PM

Week Three? Already?! Whoa!

Once again, I fell off the blogosphere…and I’m sorry.

Hopping back into Insanity has been quite time consuming, especially since I started it right as the kids went back to school. Trying to get into the groove of a new schedule has been an interesting.

To date, I have only missed one scheduled Insanity workout and I ended up doing a double the next night. For those of you who have pulled Insanity doubles before, you know how mentally and physically exhausting this can be….not something I plan on doing, again….especially once Max month rolls around.

As I enter week three, I must say I feel great!

This past Saturday I attended the 10th annual Walk With Joe. It’s a 5K walk/run in memory of those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001 on Flight 93. This is the second year I attempted to run it and I did really well. The only time I had to stop my run was when I lapped the walking crowd. Usually this wouldn’t be an issue but because of the hurricane two weeks ago and the rain we had this past week, they had to change us to a lap course. Regardless, I felt great. Finished in my fastest time to date and I felt strong.

I hope to get back to a weekly blog flow soon, life permitting. I am sure I will at the very least post a will blog right before I begin the Max month in two short weeks.

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August 30, 2011 · 8:52 AM

I’m Still Alive!

It’s been awhile since I posted a blog here and I am sorry about that.

I’ve been very open about my current fitness struggles and there wasn’t much to blog about, since my diet and workouts were all over the place.

Yesterday I hit my fitness-funk bottom. I felt unmotivated, lazy and disappointed in myself. I knew I had to get up and get back on track, so I decided to start Insanity again.

I didn’t start with the Fit Test because I didn’t want to face the drop in numbers that I would see. I knew that would either work in my favor by motivating me OR depress me and send me further in my downward spiral….so….I played it safe and jumped into Plyometric Cardio Circuit.

Some people may wonder why I decided on Insanity as the program to get me back on track. Well, to me Insanity is just as much mental (if not more) as it is physical. I need to get my head back into the game in order to make the progress I’d like to see with my body, and this program forces you to be in it mentally.

This will be the first time I do this program on my own without the support of the #insanecrew, whom I truly miss. They kept me going when all I wanted to do was quit last fall. I’m hoping to find the strength to keep myself going…I have to, because going back to who I used to be just isn’t an option.

Wish me luck, and if you are starting a new routine let me know. Maybe we can keep each other motivate and moving forward.

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August 10, 2011 · 6:57 PM

Stealing Time


I didn’t have time to type up a blog this week so I stole a little time and decided to vlog instead….enjoy!

As always, thank you YouTube for using the worst possible freeze frame. SMH.

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August 2, 2011 · 11:35 AM

Back to Diet Basics

This week I realized that while I eat healthy, I allow myself a few too many cheat meals and don’t eat quite as cleanly as I should. Granted, I eat a million times better than I did before I started working on getting healthy, but there is still room for improvement.

I decided it was time to start logging my food into MyFitnessPal again and that I need to set my goals and make a check-list like I did when I first started out. I’ve noticed small things like stealing tastes of ice-cream at work, having soda at the movies and my new found love of “3rd degree burn” Doritos sneaking in here and there and THAT is not good….as a matter of fact it down right scares me.

Here are the goals I have set for now:

1) I will eat vegetables 5 times a day with every meal (assorted colored vegetables, green salads, fresh, steamed and grilled vegetables) in a  portion size of about 2 hands cupped together.

2) I will try eat complete lean protein 5 times a day with every meal (chicken breast, turkey, egg whites, low fat dairy, whey protein, lean red meat) in a portion size as big as the palm of my hand.

3) I will eat every 2-3 hours. This will require lots of  pre-planning and prepping, but I used to be great at it.

4) I will eat carbs other than veggies (oats, potatoes, pasta, whole wheat bread, legumes, etc.) for breakfast and or within 2 hours after my workout.

5) I will drink green tea with every meal and I will also drink at least 2 liters of water a day. I love to drink coffee but I will try to cut back to 1 cup a day (no cream). No soda, sugary drinks, fancy flavored coffees, etc (I’m pretty good at this but I have allowed soda while at the movies to creep back in). I will also cut back on alcohol.

I am curious to see how my body will react to this change. I am hoping for more energy and to shed a little more of the stubborn belly fat my body refuses to shed. Regardless of it all, I am happy I have maintained all of the goals I have achieved despite my slip-ups.

Also, I’m very happy to report that I am making progress in the area of accepting my body. I no longer look in the mirror and immediately look at the areas that need improvement (I eventually gravitate there, but I’m a work in progress, people!). I now see the hard work I have done, how far I have come and think I’m pretty effin awesome.

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July 26, 2011 · 11:48 AM

It’s Amazing What A Week Can Do

Last week I spoke about trying to love and accept myself for who I am and how I look.

I made a promise to myself that I would not beat myself up for every little thing. I worked on this all week and I am happy to report a boost in my self-confidence.

Unfortunately, I struggled with my nutrition and workouts. They were not perfect, but you know what? That’s OK…cause neither am I, and it’s those flaws that make me the person I am today.

Perfect doesn’t exist, and the sooner we all come to terms with that, the happier we will all be.

PERFECT: 

  • Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be
  • Free from any flaw or defect in condition or quality; faultless
  • Precisely accurate; exact
  • Highly suitable for someone or something; exactly right
The above is this idea that so many of us strive for. We spend so much of our time and energy trying to achieve it that we miss the little things that make us who we truly are.

I know I have been guilty of this for a long time. There are so many things over this two-year journey I have achieved but glanced over because I was pushing for something that doesn’t exist. I was so hung up on the things I couldn’t do, that I showed no appreciation for the things I could and did do. (I lost over 100lbs and still stayed focused on what was wrong with my body….what is wrong with me?!)

Looking back on that now, I’d like to kick myself. What an idiot I was/am. My accomplishments were huge but never good enough in my eyes because I lacked respect and true non-judgemental love for myself. (How could I have ever expected other to give me praise and credit when I couldn’t give it to myself?)

It’s become obvious to me the final leg of this journey is purely mental. It’s all mind over matter and learning to respect, accept and love the person I am, where I have come from and where I am heading. All of these pieces need to fit together like a puzzle in order for me to truly accept myself.

In the long run, accepting and loving myself is all that truly matters, because if I don’t, I can’t expect anyone else to.

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July 19, 2011 · 11:37 AM

I Will Learn To Love My Body

Lately I have been full of struggles. I struggle to finish a full workout program. I struggle to eat healthy. But most of all, I struggle to love and accept my new body.

If we let ourselves,  its easy to believe that magazine cover girls (whose photos are air-brushed) are the norm and that the rest of us are somehow deeply flawed.

What we end up with is that nagging “I hate myself” or “I hate what I see in the mirror” song playing over and over again in our heads, fueling our painful frustration.

Getting caught up in not liking yourself because of your size, can quickly start whittling away at your motivation. It becomes that inner voice that makes you feel helpless and hopeless.

One of my new goals is to break this cycle.  I need to start looking at myself as a whole and realize that I am intelligent, funny, unique, and yes, I am beautiful.

I need to stop being a perfectionist and embrace how far I have come. I need to stop comparing myself to others and realize that everyone is different. I need to learn to listen to others when they tell me how amazing I look and what an awesome person I am (I am truly no good with compliments – those of you who know me personally, know this well).

True beauty shouldn’t be about fitting into a cultural stereotype but a quality that shines from within. That doesn’t mean we should stop trying to improve ourselves, it just means that our time is better spent focusing on building a strong, healthy body and mind rather than trying to fit into a cookie-cutter mold.

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– If you struggle with accepting your new body or have over come this feeling, I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below or contact me directly. –

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July 5, 2011 · 10:29 PM

Which Way Is Which?

As I chug along on this road, to the town of awesomesauce, I occasionally question if what I am doing is right. Did I take the right path? Should I have gone right instead of left? Am I holding this map upside down, cause NOTHING IS MAKING SENSE?

It is at that point of yelling at myself and tears streaming that I stop, take a deep breathe and realize that this is all part of the journey. All of the the things I question are my lessons. They are the things that help me to improve who I am, to become stronger both mentally and physically. Without the questions there is no journey, and without the journey I can’t grow as a person.

With that, I will finish out some of my frustrations via Vlog….I’ve been a total slacker with them and posting lately so I figured I would try to make it up tonight.

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June 15, 2011 · 12:38 PM

Nikki vs Nega Nikki…FIGHT!


Meet Nega Nikki.

She is the dark inner voice in my head who likes to give me a hard time and make me second guess myself.

She shows herself in fitting rooms (you look fat), during workouts (you can’t lift that heavy), while looking for food to eat (Mmmmm Poptarts!) and when I’m hitting the pavement trying to get a hang of this running thing (Why are you doing this? Just walk, it’s easier and your still moving).

She is a BITCH.

I truly hate Nega Nikki and I battle everyday to shut her up. The constant inner dialog I have with her might amuse some, but to me, it is very draining and sometimes discouraging that I have worked this hard and still have battles like this.

My goal is to rid myself of Nega Nikki once and for all. I am tired of looking in the mirror and sometimes still seeing the “fat girl” I worked hard to say goodbye to. I am tired of hearing that nagging voice of sabotage, telling me I can’t run faster or further. That inner doubt that holds me back from taking a sparring class like I really want to try.

I’m tired, frustrated and at the end of my rope with her. If you ever hear me in a funk or letting her get the best of me…please…smack me. Sometimes I don’t realize that she has gained the upper hand.

We all have our Nega Nikki’s and I believe it is up to us to shut them up. We have a choice…we can listen to their negative, venomous, self doubting thoughts and stop fighting the good fight (you know…cause we don’t have enough actual people to do that to us)…OR…we can use those thoughts to give us the strength to push and fight harder.

The choice is yours….what will you do?

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